They sold them on Amazon, so it's not like this is some black market hoodoo, you know? It's legitimate, even if most people have never heard about them.
Anyway, if you don't know, they're called Valve Docks. It's a tiny device, looks like a thin remote control. You tape it to your chest over your heart for a night so it can analyze the rhythm of your heartbeat. Then it's basically loaded and you can use it whenever. Super simple. Push one button and your heart stops.
You die.
But it's not permanent. Which is contradictory, I know. Death is usually pretty permanent. But here what happens is your heart essentially freezes. Red light, green light. Thirty seconds later it starts right back up. No damage done. Side effects include mild headaches, slight soreness in the chest, and the real rare possibility of shitting yourself.
People use them as pick-me-ups. Your heart shutting down like that and then restarting produces ungodly amounts of adrenaline. Judging by the Amazon reviews, I'd say 95 percent of Valve Dock owners are truck drivers looking for whatever edge they can get. And apparently dying works better than coffee and pep pills, so God bless 'em.
For me, I just bought the thing to fuck with Sheila. I had it all worked out in my mind - the next time she asked me to take her to one of those stupid, predictable rom-coms, I was gonna hem and haw and worry about dropping dead of boredom. Then at the theater, I'd do just that! Brilliant, right? Reese Witherspoon gave me a boredom heart attack. Great story.
But then I tried the damn thing out.
Look, I'm not entirely sure how to explain what happened. And the thing is - I can't find anyone anywhere who says the same thing happened to them. So, I'm guessing it's all just an illusion or hallucination or something. I know it's not real. But anyway, here's what happened:
I tried it out. I died. I made sure Sheila was in the other room, just in case, but more or less I was alone. I was dead.
When I died I went to a road. There was no sound. No wind. No rain. No voices. Just silence and this long, long road that stretched out infinitely in two directions - forwards and backwards.
The sky was gray. There were no trees or houses or anything. Just me and this road and gray all around.
I heard a baby cry. It was behind me. Somewhere down the road. And instinctively, I knew that was where I had come from.
Up ahead - where I was going - there was a man. I could hear his steps as he came closer, but he was so far away I couldn't see his face or anything about him. Just the sound of his steps ahead, and the sound of a baby crying behind me. Nothing else.
The Valve Dock brought me back.
I put the thing in a shoebox and tossed it into the back of my closet.
Two years later, I read online that Valve Docks had been banned. There was a global recall with full refunds, no receipts, no questions asked. I pulled mine out from the shoebox, but instead of sending it back, I strapped it over my chest that night and let it read me. And the next morning I tried it again.
The baby's cry was faint. I could almost convince myself that I was just imagining it. But the man was nearer. His footsteps were loud - almost violently loud. Clomp clomp clomp. Still, I couldn't see his face.
I called out to the man. Hey! Hey! But my voice just died. I tried walking, then running to meet the man, but the Valve Dock kicked on and I came back to life.
I tried again the next day, but there wasn't enough time to get anywhere.
Back online, I hunted. I looked for forums or subreddits. I learned that most of the truckers were refusing to return their Valve Docks. I learned that the reason that Valve Docks had been banned in the first place is because certain users had begun acting strange, but there were no specifics.
Finally, I found what I was looking for. Unlocking your Valve Dock. Jailbreaking. I'm crap at technical stuff, so it took me a long, long time to figure it out and get it right, but eventually I bypassed the safety locks. I was able to alter the "Dead Time."
I was cautious at first - I only added 15 seconds that first time. The baby was so far behind me I couldn't hear it at all now. The man became clearer - brown hair, black jacket, pale skin. But it still wasn't enough time, even running as hard as possible. I wasn't close. He wouldn't acknowledge me.
I doubled the Dead Time. It cost me the feeling in my left hand and a sharp twinge in my chest I can't seem to shake, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't reach the man. I couldn't see his face. But I got closer and that was too tantalizing.
Sheila became worried. She asked me to go to the doctor, but the doctor would probably find out and make me stop. I would stop. I was always going to stop. I just need to meet the man on the road first.
I doubled the time again. Clomp clomp clomp. It was like thunder strikes, each step. But still he was so small. So far away. He could see me. Of course he could. But he wouldn't speed up to meet me or hail me back.
That time cost me the use of my legs. Both of them. They became numb and powerless. I crawled to a low vent and hid the Valve Dock, then cried out to Sheila.
The doctors couldn't explain me. They ran every test. I just waited. When I closed my eyes I heard those footsteps, and I saw that distant man, coming ever closer.
I would meet him. I would.
Sheila brought me home. She hounded me, kind and worried. But I was cold and distant and eventually she gave up. Entirely. She left. And finally I was alone. I tipped my wheelchair and fell to the floor, crawling to the vent.
Five minutes? Ten?
Why minutes? Why not hours? Or days?
A year?
Forever.
I set the time to no time. To no return. All the time. None of the time.
Just before I pushed the button I thought I heard a baby cry, but I'm certain it was just my imagination.
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