Wayne LaFell had never wanted a career in politics. Even as a 45 year old man with a wife, three children, and an underwater mortgage, he still daydreamed sometimes of dropping everything and taking a real shot at the NHL. His speed was shot thanks to the knee injury that ruined everything the first time around, but he still had the soft hands and vision that had made him a 4th round pick coming out of junior hockey. Yes, he still had it. He knew he did. He just needed someone to take a shot.
Politics had been a thing to do while he worked his way back to competitive hockey. But things don't always go the way you plan. And politics had worked out a bit better than Wayne had ever imagined.
"Mr. LaFell?" said Reggie over the intercom. "The American delegation is here."
"Send them in." Wayne stood up and smoothed out his suit. Canadian Foreign Minister was the kind of job title he would have stuck his nose up at when he was a teenager, but he had to admit it wasn't such a bad job. Not a lot a work, a little bit of harmless graft, and plenty of respect. Best of all, he was never late for supper. Not bad for a broken winger.
The American contingency was three strong. A smallish man in glasses, another, more "political" looking fellow in Armani, and a third that looked like he wasn't there to talk. As Wayne suspected, the fellow in the Armani did most of the talking.
"Minister LaFell, pleasure to meet you," he said, offering a handshake. "Ray Blunt, State Department." He pointed at the smaller one in glasses. "This is Karl Neiman from NASA. He's here as a reference. And this is Wilson Greer. I can't tell you where he's from." Blunt winked, but Greer's face made it amply clear that it wasn't a joke.
"Have a seat," said Wayne, circling back around his desk. Blunt and Neiman sat. Greer remained standing. "I'm a little surprised to see you folks. I assumed all your resources would be tied up with the Lexington Affair for the foreseeable future."
"Ah," said Roy, leaning forward eagerly in his chair. "And Lexington is exactly what we're here to talk about."
Wayne felt his stomach drop slightly. "I...is there some trouble? Are they...hostile?"
"No, no, no!" said Roy. "Not in the least. In fact, they are the very opposite of hostile. They are so unhostile in fact, that I am pleased to say that the United States of America has completed our business with the Visitors."
"You've...I'm sorry, I don't know what that means."
Roy glanced down at Neiman in a very meaningful way. "We've completed all of our research," said Neiman. "They...we're good."
Wayne blinked. "You're 'good'?"
"All done!" said Roy, wiping his hands dramatically. "Our scientists work fast."
"Um...congratulations?"
"No, no," said Roy, shaking his head. "Congratulations to you."
"Me?"
"Yes. Minister LaFell, I am very excited to announce that the United States of America - as a show of neighborly solidarity - would like to transfer the Visitors to Canada for further...you know, research and such."
After a moment Wayne became aware that his mouth was partially open. "Er. Uh. You want to send the aliens....to Canada?" Wayne's eyes swept back and forth between the three men.
Roy cleared his throat. Neiman spoke. "We've done all we think we can do. We believe that Canada is better suited to...uh...continue this research."
Wayne began to feel as though he were being pranked. Americans did love their pranks. "You seriously believe that Canada would be suited to continue research on the first alien lifeforms ever encountered on our planet?"
Roy nodded. "We didn't even consider Mexico. Straight to the top, so to speak."
"Well, what about..." Wayne wracked his brain. "Japan's pretty good with science things, aren't they? My TVs from Japan."
"Not the right people for the job," said Roy. "This is sensitive stuff here, Minister. It's not the science. These Visitors require a certain level of...uh...empathy. They are, after all, strangers in a strange land."
"Empathy." Wayne rolled the word around in his mouth like a caramel. Canadians were highly regarded for their kindness and sensitivity. Much less dangerous than America, as well. Very welcoming to immigrants and refugees. Yes, he could begin to see the value in relocating two frightened Visitors to someplace safe and quiet, like Canada. "And your President is alright with this?"
"Suggested it himself," said Roy. "Really values our relationship with Canada."
Wayne looked at the scientist. "And you think we're adequately equipped to make them comfortable? I don't know what kind of..."
"Oh yes," said Neiman. "They really don't need much. Just a sympathetic ear and tub of lukewarm salt water."
"Well," said Wayne. "I'm not sure that I have the authority to..."
"I'm certain that you do," said Roy quickly. He got to feet and moved to the desk. "So what do you say? Let's make Canada the home of the world's first verified extraterrestrials. Hockey, maple syrup, and aliens - that's what Canada is all about."
Wayne felt the pressure of the moment and suddenly he was transported back in time. He was on the ice. The puck was on his stick and time was running down.
He could do this.
Take the shot - make the shot.
"Let's do it!" he said, bursting from his chair. Roy grabbed him in an unexpected bearhug.
"Thatta boy!" said Roy. "Wilson, go get Dotti and Botti."
"Dotti and Botti?" said Wayne.
"Their names," said Roy as Wilson disappeared through the door.
"What do you mean he's going to get them?"
"They're out in the car," said Roy.
"In the..."
Neiman dropped a pair of earplugs on the desk. "Remember, lukewarm saltwater."
"What're these for?" said Wayne, picking up the earplugs. "Are they loud or..."
"Those are for your nose," said Neiman. "The excretions occur on a three hour cycle, so they should be due any minute. Whatever you do, don't touch the yellow pus, even with gloves on. It'll burn right through."
"What are you...?"
Just then Wilson barged through the door, followed closely by two humanoid figures covered in shiny, crimson scales.
"Dotti and Botti," said Roy, "this is Minister LaFell, representing the great nation of Canada. He'll be looking after you from now on."
The two alien blinked serenely. One began to ooze slightly.
"That's our cue," said Roy. "Been a pleasure, minister. Good luck! God save the Queen. Etc., etc."
The three men stormed out of the room before Wayne could say another word.
Wayne cleared his throat. "Uh. So....do you two speak English, perhaps?"
"Yes," said one. "Did you decorate this office?"
"Um, no," said Wayne, "but I did..."
"Was the intention to make its occupant too horror-stricken for their mind to wander?"
"I..."
The other alien motioned towards the far wall. "This wallpaper has been scientifically engineered to induce vomiting, correct?"
"The scent you are wearing," said the first alien. "Does it denote that you bear a contagious disease deadly to members of the opposite sex? Because I can find no other reason why one would intentionally scent themselves in such an unpleasant manner."
"Your facial hair has been constructed in an attempt at ironic humor, correct?"
Wayne collapsed back down into his chair as the aliens continued their observations.
"Sir?" said Reggie. "Did the Americans just leave those aliens here?"
Wayne sighed. "It's a great day for Canada, Reggie."
"Should I...should I call the Prime Minister's office?"
Wayne glanced up at the aliens. "I do not believe this carpet is currently in style in any known timeline," said one.
"No," said Wayne. "I don't think we'll tell him just yet."
Comments