Katie, if you're reading this, the first thing you should know is that I do not forgive you.
Of course, you haven't asked for forgiveness yet, because you are Katie. You couldn't ask for forgiveness if you wanted to. And you don't want to. Because you are Katie.
I do not not forgive you for the damage you have caused me, personally. This isn't about me. It's about all the lives you've shattered in your cowardly, remorseless quest for a 2019 Honda Civic LX.
It's about Gretchen at Herb Chambers Honda in Seekonk, who would love to get you in for a test drive.
It's Tabitha at West Warwick Honda, who is beginning to lose faith that your interest in her supply of new and used Honda Civics was ever sincere.
It's Gina at Grieco Honda in Johnston who is just so very, very tired of this endless chase, Katie. Why won't you just call back? Why won't you just stop by? They have in-house financing, Katie. Gretchen just wants to see you happy. A brand new Honda Civic LX would make you happy, wouldn't it, Katie? Katie? Are you there, Katie? Were you ever there?
And it's about me. I lied earlier. It's mostly about me. And all the phone calls and text messages I have received.
They are good people, Katie. With good cars. And in my case, a good phone. Why did you lie to them? And why did you include me in your lies.
When The Troubles began, I had assumed (in good humor) that Katie was an earnest simpleton whose love of the Honda Civic had short-circuited the part of her brain where her phone number lived.
But no. It seems I was mistaken. Katie is no fool. She is merely Katie. A ghoul. Unable to set aside her overwhelming Katieness for even a moment.
I understand the nature of cowardice all too well. Katie merely wished to dip her toes into the Sea of Civic Ownership. She wasn't looking for a commitment. She wasn't ready to accept Gina's eager embrace.
But still.
There are real lives at stake.
Gina's life.
Gretchen's life.
Most importantly, my goddamn life.
Katie. Katie. Just ride the bus, Katie.