There are few things more elegant, urbane, and worldly than a well mixed, handsomely presented cocktail. It's what separates us from the dolphins. While beer and wine are perfectly acceptable ways to obliterate your fine motor skills, there's just something about a cocktail that says, "I'm getting carried out of here and I'm going to look marvelous doing it."
Invented by an American Army captain stationed in Paris during World War I, the Sidecar is simplicity itself, a drink that separates itself not on the complexity of its construction, but on the strength of its clean presentation and tangy, citrus drinkability.
Of course you could have a professional make you a Sidecar at a fancy bar or restaurant, but you're better than that. We're better than that. And as I said earlier, the Sidecar really is one of the simplest drinks to mix yourself. So how do you make a Sidecar? Here's how we did it:
1. Begin by remarking to your girlfriend that it's a long holiday weekend and you should celebrate by eating special foods and/or drinking special drinks. Ask if she would like to make a special cocktail, because cocktails are elegant, urbane, and worldly.
2. Girlfriend will suggest making Sidecars. You won't know what those are, but never fear! They have alcohol in them, so they pass the first (and only) test.
3. Stand around awkwardly in the liquor store Googling the ingredients of a Sidecar.
4. Ask liquor store employee for help finding the Cointreau.
5. Ask liquor store employee for help finding the Cognac.
6. Debate the wisdom of buying two expensive bottles of liquor just to make one cocktail that one of you has never had before.
7. Be assured by girlfriend that Sidecars are "good."
8. Take liquor home and notice that it is just slightly after noon. Time for a drink!
9. Although classic Sidecars are served in cocktail glasses, you don't own those, so place two old fashioned glasses in the freezer to chill. The fact that old fashioned glasses are about twice as large as cocktail glasses probably won't come back to bite you.
10. In a metal water bottle filled with ice, add two (2) parts Cognac, one (1) part Cointreau, and one (1) part lemon juice. Be sure to measure with a shot glass that's actually about twice as big as it ought to be because you have a long day ahead of you.
11. Shake the contents of the water bottle well.
12. Remove the old fashioned glasses from the freezer. Coat the rim of each glass with lemon juice and sugar.
13. Strain the cocktail into the old fashioned glasses. You won't own a strainer, so feel free to use the lid to the water bottle or your fingers, depending on how many fucks you don't give.
14. Enjoy the sweet, smooth flavor while watching subtitled cartoons on Netflix.
15. This drink is almost entirely alcohol, but you barely notice!
16. So sweet! So lemony!
17. Are we drinking too fast? No. We just need some crackers.
18. Throw a box of Wheat Thins on the coffee table. Now you're drinking smart!
19. I'm ready for another! Imma cut this one with some old, flat Sprite I found in the refrigerator. Would a drunk guy do something so genius? NOPE.
20. This one's extra big because of the Sprite. And the Cognac.
21. I like cartoons.
22. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd DONE!
23. Be a gentleman and mix another for your girlfriend. What's this?? There's a little left over? WASTE NOT WANT NOT. Into my glass it goes.
24. When did this cheese get here? I like cheeeeeeeeese.
25. YAY!
26. WEEEEEEE!!
27. I have to go to the bathroom.
28. I have to sit on the floor in the bathroom.
29. I have to lie down on the floor in the bathroom.
30. I'm fine! I can leave the...
31. FLOOR. FLOOR. NEED TO BE ON THE FLOOR AGAIN.
32. Why did you bring the Wheat Thins into the bathroom? I don't want bathroom Wheat Thins.
33. Is the toilet open or closed?
34. It is closed, because my vomit just keeps bouncing off somehow.
35. Lid is open! Projectile vomit goes IN the toilet!
36. Dizzy!
37. Projectile vomit goes behind the toilet.
38. Below the toilet.
39. Next to the toilet.
40. Behind the toilet again.
41. Back IN the toilet! Hooray for me!
42. All done.
43. Bathroom nap?
44. No.
45. Cruel girlfriend will not allow me to sleep in Sidecar vomit.
46. Swig of Listerine. All better!
47. Extended period of swirly darkness.
48. HAMBURGERS FOR DINNER!
49. Water is so GOOD.
50. Why are there Wheat Thins in the bathroom?
And there you have it! A simple, 50 step guide to your first and last homemade Sidecars. Enjoy!