They didn't love me at first, them credit men. Said they didn't know me. They couldn't trust me. When my beloved Dodge Neon (Murda Weapon, RIP lil' homes) tried to perform non-consensual analingus on a Chevy Avalanche and got his everything broke in retribution, the credit man forsook me. Just like that one Apostle forsook Jesus…you know the one…Pedro something…just like Pedro Earnhardt Jr. forsook Jesus, so too did the world of credit forsake me in my darkest hour.
I asked for mercy. They gave me a Toyota Yaris and an APR that would choke a Philadelphian.
But NOW – now shit’s flipped.
My money game’s been on point for a minute now and LOOK WHO’S COMIN’ AROUND AGAIN, TRYNA GIVE ME MONEY I AIN'T EVEN NEED. Every day, every day, every DAY my mailbox is poppin’ with BRAND NEW CREDIT CARDS I AIN’T EVEN ASKED FOR! Fer real cards, all printed out and plastic an' shit! They even know I don’t use my birth name on financial documents (so the IRS can't SUMMON ME using words of power an’ shit) so they used my Christian street handle: PREFERRED CUSTOMER. I appreciate the personal touch.
It’s not enough, though. YOU CAN’T BUY ME WITH MONEY. You can only buy me with MORE MONEY.
That’s right. I smelled the time was right and I got myself a card. I went to them, though, and not the other way around, ‘cause I don’t rep brands ain’t got enough SELF-RESPECT to let the game come to them. Plus I’m choosy.
And I chose CASH BACK REWARDS MUTHAFUCKA!
True life! I spend money. They give me money. I spend it. They give it. What kinda fucked up fiduciary relationship is that? Is that a mistake? Did somebody bring their toddler into work and just say “Go apeshit I don’t even care”? Is this drug money? Am I a drug mule now? I don’t even know. I just know MONEY GET MONEY.
My pockets are so thick with paper I can’t even get at my chapstick! MY BURT’S BEES IS DROWNING IN RUBIES AND BONDS.
The lesson here is this: when you get slighted, get motivated. Then get rich. Then get a hovercraft. Then DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT YOU OWN A HOVERCRAFT NOW.
America.
