Dogs are gross. They lick food scraps off the floor. They drink deep the hidden nectar of another dog's anal glands. Sometimes they accidentally pee on each other because they just don't give a shit. Then they try to tongue kiss you, because their little hearts are nearly full to bursting with love and also because they're mildly perverted.
If you have a dog you know they get into some gnarly business and, unlike cats, self-grooming isn't an option, mostly because dogs like being disgusting and work very hard at achieving their own unique pH balance. So you need to give them a bath. Are they going to enjoy that? No. But tough shit.
So how do you properly bathe a dog? It's not easy, but there are some techniques I've picked up over my years of living with a fur-covered slob and I'll share those with you now.
Step 1: Build trust
Dogs don't like showers. They like rolling back-first in deer urine. Their priorities are different from yours and mine. If you want to get through bath time with minimal psychological damage to both parties, you need to build trust with your dog. Be positive. Reward them when they do good. Praise them for their achievements. Avoid punishing them for their shortcomings. If you are feeling disappointed or agitated by their behavior, vent your frustration behind their back or online. Very few dogs have a significant presence on social media at the moment.
Step 2: Take them to the dog park
Dogs who have been physically exhausted are much more docile and amenable to unpleasant experiences. They're also easier to chase down and tackle, should it come to that. The dog park is a better option than a mere walk, however, because dog parks are fun and dog parks are filthy.
At the conclusion of your trip to the dog park, you dog will be happy, tired, and coated in grime. You will have both a physical and a psychological edge over your dog. "This is what happens when you have FUN!" you can repeatedly remind them over the course of the experience. "You did this to YOURSELF!" Assuming they do not develop some sort of crippling personality disorder, this will successfully shift any blame away from you and place such hard feelings squarely on their own unavoidable natural instincts.
Step 3: Apply water and soap and stuff
The actual washing is really quite simple. Simply rinse your dog with the liquid of your choosing. I favor water, but champagne is an acceptable alternative.
Once the dog is damp, you apply your choice of dog shampoo. Then you massage the shampoo into your dog's coat. If you do this correctly, your dog will pretend, via body language, that he does not enjoy this. His eyes, however, will tell another story. Rinse off the soap. You may repeat the lather step once again if your dog is especially dirty or if you are a very particular kind of sadist.
Step 4: Take your dog outside to dry
Now that your dog is clean, grab a clean towel and head outside into the fresh air.
Use the towel to gently remove as much surface moisture as you can. The dog will still be slightly damp after toweling.
Step 5: Lock dog outside and go about your business
You don't want your couch to get wet, do you?