I know what you're thinking - "Christ, enough with this Harry Potter bullshit." First of all, you're not required to read these posts, mom, so enough with the sass. Second of all, I like complaining about the things I love. It's perfectly healthy. If the Harry Potter books didn't want to be criticized, they shouldn't have been so great and then also so full of ridiculous plot holes.
WITNESS!
SEVEN TERRIBLE THINGS THAT THE TIME TURNER COULD HAVE PREVENTED
If you need me to explain what the Time Turner is, don't worry, I will, but let's be real with each other - this might not be the article for you. I think anytime an adult spends hours dissecting a children's book, they should be slapped by at least four different loved ones. If you're not willing to do the slapping, you best get to steppin'.
Anyway, the Time Turner is a magical device introduced in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It allows the user to go back in time. Basically it's a little clock dealie, and however much you wind it up impacts how far back in time you go. The Time Turner is held on a long chain, which the user wears around their neck. The user may also hold additional persons near to them and drape this chain over their neck, which sends all impacted parties back in time.
Once you've gone back in time, you exist simultaneously with your past self. Both your present and your past self will continue to exist in that reality until the moment your past self uses the Time Turner, disappearing into the past and leaving you as the only you existing in that present moment.
Let's stop for a moment and consider something: does this scenario create a ceaseless time-loop? Using Harry and Hermione's example, once they return to the infirmary moments after their past selves use the Time Turner, we're lead to believe that the trip is over. Present Harry and Present Hermione caught back up to the present time, so we're all good. Right?
BUT Past Harry and Past Hermione just used the Time Turner. Where are they? Did they just disappear? Or did they also go back in time?
The truth, I believe, is that there is no Present Harry and Past Harry. They are both Present Harry, and at the completion of their task, when we see Harry and Hermione once again journey into the past, we are watching a third pair created. And on and on and on. By going back in time, Harry and Hermione create an infinite series of Harrys and Hermiones, all traveling a few hours backwards and then catching back up to the "present."
That's slightly mind-blowing, right? Time travel's kind of a big fucking deal, what with all the reality altering paradoxes and everything. So how is time travel used in the Harry Potter universe?
SO HERMIONE GRANGER CAN TAKE A BUNCH OF EXTRA FUCKING CLASSES.
C'mon, wizards. This is GODDAMN TIME TRAVEL we're talking about here. Why are we threatening REALITY ITSELF so an overachiever can learn wizard math? JUST OPEN A FUCKING SUMMER SCHOOL, HOGWARTS.
So the Time Turner exists. Wizards and witches can go back in time. Hermione actually uses the device to take three classes at once, meaning she goes back and experiences the same hour three different times. Leaving aside how obviously insane that is, Hermione manages to make it through the whole year constantly time traveling around like a little frizzy haired Time Lord, only slightly confusing Ron, but generally causing no issues and never being found out by any of her classmates.
Okay. Fine.
When we get to the conclusion of Azkaban, Dumbledore shows up and tells Hermione to use the magical, reality-bending time travel device for something other than getting an easy A in fucking Muggle Studies (really, Hermione? Have some shame.). Harry and Hermione go back and save the day.
Kind of.
They save Buckbeak and they "rescue" Sirius Black, but they let Peter Pettigrew get away. On the surface, that looks like a victory, but let's consider:
1. Sirius has to spend the remainder of his life in hiding, even though he didn't do anything wrong, which would have been easily proven by the appearance of Peter Pettigrew. Except drat. He got away.
2. EVERYTHING TERRIBLE THAT HAPPENS IN THE REST OF THE SERIES IS ALMOST ALL DIRECTLY PETER PETTIGREW'S FAULT. The fucker basically nurses Larval Stage Voldemort back to life. He handles all of the resurrection bullshit. He kills Cedric Diggory. He makes four books worth of shit happen.
So, you know...they didn't really get the job done. Is there a reason they couldn't get to the end and say, "Hey...I bet we could do that a touch better if we tried again." Maybe just stand off to the side and catch Pettigrew when he made a break for it? I don't know, man. I just don't know.
Important Moments When Time Travel Would Have Helped, But NOPE
To catch the Heir of Slytherin
We'll give the events of Philosopher's Stone a pass. There's nothing there really worth traveling back in time to stop. We'll also forget about everything that happened before the series began - you know, like Harry's parents dying and Voldemort coming to power and all the many, many murders that came from that.
But let's look at the first real mortal danger in the series: the giant fucking snake monster that kills people dead with its eyes.
Let's set aside the fact that no one actually dies during this series of attacks (RIP Moaning Myrtle, you daft pervert). That's all an especially ballsy amount of coincidence, resulting in every victim being petrified instead of straight murderized. The point is that something is sneaking around Hogwarts attempting to murder a fairly sizable load of students. The school might have to be closed. Poor Hagrid gets sent to wizard prison without any evidence at all that he's involved - he's basically a victim of profiling (sorry Dean Thomas, Hagrid is the blackest man at Hogwarts).
Here's the thing: they're always just a step behind the attacker. When they find Mrs. Norris strung up, why couldn't someone competent just go back an hour and hit the scene early enough to stop the attack?
Yes, from a literary perspective, you'd have no book. But if I'm paying private tuition to the #1 fucking wizard school in wherever the hell Hogwarts is, I'D LIKE A LITTLE GODDAMNED EFFORT.
To prevent Sirius Black from escaping Azkaban
Now, hindsight being what it is, we're all glad Sirius managed to break out. He was a nice, dirty, shirtless man. But come on!
If I'm a tax-paying wizard - and God willing, I will be one day - I want dangerous criminals contained. If one of them breaks out, I want the full complement of wizarding tools available deployed immediately.
Send a couple guards back in time! Apprehend that guy! As far as you know, he killed a bunch of people! This is really Sirius!
To prevent Cedric's death and Voldemort's return
I personally don't give a shit about Cedric Diggory. Fuck that guy, But, technically, he wasn't a bad dude or anything. And if he didn't die, Cho wouldn't have to be such a baby about it for the next three years. So fine. Let's save him.
More importantly though, I have a crazy thought - let's not let Voldemort come back to power, hmm?
Fine. Harry comes back with Cedric's corpse. It's a crazy time for everyone, I know. Lots of questions. Emotions running high.
But Dumbledore? C'mon buddy. Come. ON. You don't even have to go to Godric's Hollow or wherever they get magically transported to. Just jump back to before the MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MURDER MAZE STARTED. Tell Past Dumbledore "Hey, don't let nobody touch the trophy thingie. Bad mojo. Ya heard?"
Cedric lives. Harry's blood isn't available for Voldemort's magical crockpot. Voldemort stays a little slug man a bit longer. The Tri-Wizard Tournament is boned, but the final event was a MAZE. Seriously, fuck the Tri-Wizard Tournament.
To stop Harry from entering the Ministry of Magic
Sirius dies at the end of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. He doesn't have to, though. In fact, the entire climax doesn't have to happen. You know...if wizards gave a shit about this kind of stuff.
Basically, Harry gets tricked into thinking Sirius is in trouble, so he and his under-prepared friends storm off to the Ministry of Magic, where whoops, all hell breaks loose and our favorite shirtless character is dead.
Can't someone go back and tell Harry he's getting played?
What's that? You say Harry is agonizingly stubborn and would probably still try to save Sirius even if Sirius himself showed up and was like, "I'm fine, calm down, eat a Snickers and we'll play XBox, okay"?
Good point. Harry really is a twat. Skip this one.
To save Dumbledore's life
Oh. I hear you. "Dumbledore was supposed to die then - it was his plan. He was dying already."
Fuck off and stop interrupting.
Harry doesn't know that. Harry doesn't know anything, because no one ever tells him anything until the last goddamn minute. But Harry raced against the clock to save FUCKING BUCKBEAK."Oh no! The hideous horse monster that I rode that one time is going to die? EHMEHGERD!"
You're the worst, Harry Potter.
To save Dobby's life
Hahahahaha. Just kidding. Fuck that little pointy-eared bastard.
To save Snape's life
Oh. What's that you say? Harry stood outside and listened while Snape was murdered? The guy who was secretly protecting Harry's life the whole time? Oh yeah, yeah. Good point.
I guess he could go back and watch himself standing around while Snape gets snake-stabbed. That might be fun. You know. Because he's a sociopath.
Wait. Who's the hero of these books again?
You know, the more I think about it, the Time Turner is totally irrelevant. Wizards are assholes.