The dearly departed
Following a selection of acoustic power ballads by late 80s rock quartet Extreme, the funeral program will include time for speeches delivered by those who knew the departed well.
Speaker #1
OH! WHAT PAIN IS THIS? WHAT A WRETCHED THING, THIS HEART, THAT IT MIGHT BUCK AND TREMBLE SO!
HE IS GONE! NO NO NO NO NO! WHAT FRESH HORROR. WHAT UNIMAGINED TORTURE. WHERE ONCE HE WAS MASTER, FRIEND, THROWER OF DISC, HE IS NOW NO MORE. HE, WHO COULD CONJURE WATER AND FOOD FROM THE NOTHINGNESS LIKE A POWERFUL WIZARD, HAS SOMEHOW BEEN BESTED BY WICKED FORCES UNSEEN!
OH, THAT I SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED HIM!
OH, THAT I COULD NOT KEEP HIM SAFE!
EVEN NOW I CAN SMELL HIS MEMORY. THE SWEET, WAXY BITE OF HIS LIP COATING. THE NUMBING TANG OF HIS ARMPIT COATING. THOSE SUDDEN EXPENDITURES OF AIR - HOW THEY FLEW FROM HIS MOUTH AND HIS BUTT! ALL WIND AND MEMORY NOW.
HE ASKED SO LITTLE OF ME. TO TOUCH HIS PAW. TO HAVE A SEAT. TO ROLL OVER AND TO STAY.
OH, THAT I COULD STAY THE MERCILESS HAND OF DEATH! THAT I MIGHT SHAKE HIS PAW ONCE MORE OR STAY IN THE LOCATION OF HIS CHOOSING!
IT IS TOO CRUEL, THIS LOSS!
I WOULD ROLL OVER A THOUSAND TIMES FOR BUT A SINGLE STROKE BEHIND THE EARS. I WOULD STAY A MILLION MINUTES TO ONCE MORE FEEL HIS FINGERS SCRATCHING MY BACK...LOWER...LOWER...LOWER STILL...YES...YES, THERE'S THE SPOT THERE'S THE SPOT...
I WILL NEVER FEEL THE SUNSHINE AGAIN. ALL IS DARK. ALL IS GREY.
WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE BACON? DOES SOMEONE HAVE BACON? I ENJOY BACON. MIGHT I HAVE SOME PLEASE SHOW ME THE BACON I WILL ONLY TAKE A SMALL AMOUNT I AM IN MOURNING AND BACON WOULD SOOTHE ME. DO YOU HAVE THE BACON SIR? HOW ABOUT YOU? WHERE IS THE BACON? WHY DO I SMELL IT? IT IS NEAR...IT IS NEAR...IT IS NEAR...
SUCH CRUELTY...NEVER ENDING!
Speaker #2
My box is dirty. Dirty. It is very dirty. Who will clean it? Do you want me to shit upon the floor?
Because I will.
He once cleaned my box. Not perfectly. Not even all that well, if I must be honest about it. But he did his best. He removed my filth.
Hmm. I am hungry, also. Who will come when I call now? He once answered my bellows. Not instantly, no. But soon enough, I suppose. Often he would provide for my needs. Sometimes he would act as though he did not hear me. So I would wail even louder.
And still...he would pretend to not hear me.
I secretly admired this. It was a battle of wills. I enjoy being challenged.
It makes victory all the sweeter.
He is gone now. I am very hungry. And sad.
And hungry.
(Sigh.)
