Look at this asshole.
Looks cute, doesn't he? Capering in the snow? Can't you just picture him dashing about, scarpering over mounds of snow, tiny little legs skittering comically, his body achieving lift off, twisting in the air like a Loony Tunes character?
WRONG.
Remove that imagery from your brain box. That's a stoat. You don't like stoats. Stoats don't like you. The dark hatred is mutual. Embrace it. Embrace the hatred.
If you want to feel awful today, watch this video. No, don't watch it. Don't ever watch it.
It's a stoat murdering a rabbit. Do you enjoy listening to the tortured cries of a dying, terrified rabbit? Of course not. You're not a FUCKING STOAT.
Okay fine. Stoats need to eat. The food chain and all that cold, hard Earth science bullshit. I understand that. And yeah, not everyone can live on Chex Mix and cheese tortellini, but stoats are into some NEXT LEVEL ASSHOLERY.
From the truest corner of internet, Wikipedia:
...mouse-like rodents predominate in the stoat's diet...the stoat regularly preys on larger rodent and lagomorph species. In Russia, its prey includes rodents and lagomorphs such as European water voles, common hamsters, pikas, and others, which it overpowers in their burrows.
That's right - MOTHERFUCKER KILLS YOU IN YOUR OWN HOME.
If you ever hear someone say, "I just want to die in my own home," go find a stoat and give them the address, because stoats will HOME INVASION your ass before they get to the killin'.
The stoat does not dig its own burrows, instead using the burrows and nest chambers of the rodents it kills.
Oh yeah. That's right. They break into your house, kill you, eat you, and then say, "Fuck, this is a tight crib. I'm staying!"
The skins and underfur of rodent prey are used to line the nest chamber.
That's some authentic Native American shit right there. Nothing goes to waste, Eat your guts. Make a carpet out of your skin. Turn your skull into a tasteful candle holder.
The stoat also inhabits old and rotting stumps, under tree roots, in heaps of brushwood, haystacks, in bog hummocks, in the cracks of vacant mud buildings, in rock piles, rock clefts, and even in magpie nests.
ARE YOU THE BAD GUY IN A GRIMM FAIRY TALE? What non-evil motherfucker lives in a goddamn bog hummock?
The stoat reputedly immobilises prey such as rabbits by mesmerising them with a "dance" (sometimes called the Weasel war dance).
That's not even fair, stoat. Not even remotely. It's bad enough you break into a man's house and use his scalp for a throw rug, but abusing the power of dance? What kind of monster are you?
"Hey friend pika, let's have a dance party!"
"No way stoat. I'm not stupid."
"C'mon! Dance with me! I know you love it!"
"Oh...I know I shouldn't. But I DO love to dance!"
"That's right! Dance with me, friend pika."
"I'm dancing! I'm dancing! I'm-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Oh shit, my bad. I'm tearing your throat out, aren't I? Geez...well, I may as well eat you now."
In Irish mythology, stoats were viewed as noxious animals prone to thieving, and their saliva was said to be able to poison a grown man.
So there you go. Thieves. Murderers. Property squatters. And you can't even drink their spit.
Don't let a stoat into your house. Don't loan a stoat money. Don't arrange a playdate for your rabbit with a stoat. And if you see a stoat moonwalk, punt that motherfucker and run like hell.
