Dear Fingerhut,
I received your catalog recently. I need to get with you on this Sunbeam 2-slice toaster. Item #P4937. I'm not calling you out, mind, I just need you to be real with me. Extra-wide slots? Is that legitimate? It says I can toast a hamburger bun in there, but that's just marketing bullshit, right? You can be level with me. I'm a man, same as you. Because it just so happens I got a family sized bag of hamburger buns right here. And you know how I want to eat these hamburger buns? Toasted. So I need you to not be playing with me, Fingerhut. I'm not telling you your business, just letting you know I'm a serious man and I'm not here to get played with.
And what about a "high-rise lift for easy removal"? Don't fuck with me, Fingerhut. Because this is starting to sound like a fairy tale and I'm grown-ass man with adult toaster needs. I don't have time for make-believe Mickey Mouse bullshit. I just want a nice, evenly-toasted multi-grain English muffin without burning my fingers. Just like any other man. If I gotta jab my bread knife in there and wiggle it around, so be it. I'm an adult. I understand how the world works. You don't need to baby me. I can deal with it.
This price, though. What are you playing at, Fingerhut? $24.99? No no no. I've been out in the world. I know how it works. That's a loss for you, man. It's gotta be. I mean, I don't work at Sears or anything, but I think I know the fair market value of a quality toaster. So what's the game? What's the con? I'm not a child. Alright? You can be real with me, Fingerhut. $24.99 on this toaster? I don't like it. I do. Not. Like. It.
But I'm intrigued.
But really, though. Be real. I can finance this thing for $5.99 a month? And $6.99 for an extended warranty? I can have this toaster HERE, in my house, toasting MY hamburger buns, heating MY muffins, getting MY bread slices fucking TOASTY AS SHIT, in 1 to 2 weeks, for only $5.99 a month? Starting next month? I can fucking TOAST ALL MY SHIT before I've even paid one cent???
Fingerhut, you crazy. You crazy. You havin' problems at home? This is some desperate shit, right here. This is a goddamn PLEA FOR HELP. I don't wanna be takin' advantage of you at a time like this. I'm not like that. I can sense when a man is down. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, FINGERHUT. Then we'll talk toasters. I can wait. My buns can wait. I'll freeze these here buns. They'll be ready. But you need to get your mind right. Ok? Get with a counselor. A priest. Your mama. I don't care. Get peace, Fingerhut. Then get with me. Because I NEED this toaster.
Godspeed, Fingerhut. Godspeed...