I've always considered my life to be the normal amount of shit. I've rarely looked at another human being and thought "Their life is so much less shit than my life." Actually, quite the opposite. Just today, waiting at a stoplight, I saw one of Houston's many panhandlers, sitting in the intersection and holding up a barely legible sign that said something about being a vet. That guy's life was eminently more shit than my life, because he had to ask people for money (I hate asking people for things) and, from a marketing perspective, his sign failed to clearly and effectively address the needs and wants of his target audience, so that had be disappointing.
Also, today I was in the grocery store and a gentleman in the produce section stopped an employee and asked, "Where's the cilantro?" The employee said, "I don't know. Let me get someone who works in this department." And then this other employee came out and said, "How can I help you?" And the gentleman says, "Where's the cilantro?" and the employee says, "...what is cilantro?" and the gentleman said, "It's like parsley," and the employee said, "I think that's in the spice aisle," and the gentleman said, "You can get it fresh, too" and the employee said, "Did you check the spice aisle?" and the gentleman said, "You should have it here in produce," and the employee said, "Okay, I see what you mean..." and then I walked away because it was becoming one of those conversations that either ends in a fist fight or never ends at all. But in that moment I considered everyone else's life to be more shit than mine, because 1) I know what cilantro is and 2) I don't need any cilantro.
But what if I'm wrong about that? (Not the cilantro bit. Nobody needs cilantro.) What if my life is a tragic poo pile of torment and despair and I'm too insulated in my little carpeted apartment of solitude to even notice? Because here's something I hadn't even considered until Sunday afternoon: what if I'm cursed?
I was making an effort this weekend. An effort to be out. To live and die in Houston (emphasis on the living...not as much on the dying).
I went to Memorial Park which is...a...park? (I'm trying to think of writerly ways to describe it.) It is...crowded. And...a...park?
Unremarkable, I guess is what I'm getting at. I was there mostly to walk, sit, read and takes pictures of the places I had walked to, sat on, read at.
All of which went well, in a walking-sitting-reading sort of way. As I was exiting, I was approached by a man who handed me a flyer. I accepted the flyer.
(A note on flyers. If the flyer gets into my hand, it is about to go on a journey. Because I struggle to throw flyers away, at least immediately. In my mind the reasoning goes something like this - a stranger saw fit to draft it, print it, transport it and then hand it to ME. They made a commitment to the flyer, which ended when it hit my hand. I feel compelled to make a lesser commitment, which generally goes accept it, fold it, pocket it, forget about it, launder it, curse at it, reassemble it, remember it, recycle it.)
Anyway, this was the flyer:
GOOD FUCKING QUESTION
I'm not sure how I made it 32 years without ever considering this possibility. It seems pretty obvious, now that I'm finally thinking about it. But let's delve in deeper. Do we have any case studies?
Well, that's...a lot. I'm glad Alan is better now. And curse-free. And also maybe did something about the bi-polar. And alcoholism.
For starters, Elizabeth's parents should have known better. Witchdoctors really don't do anything other than curse people. Also, "total failure" seems a little harsh to me. She managed to get married in the first place, which is better than I've done. Plus, pointing out that she lost "two of her children in miscarriages" implies that she has other children who are, you know....alive.
There's always a bright side, Elizabeth. Always a bright side.
But I don't know. I'm not an alcoholic and my parents never went to any witchdoctors (THAT I KNOW OF). Tell me more, flyer!
TRICK QUESTION - There is no such thing as a coincidence, flyer!
Hmm, so let's see. Do any of these statements reflect what's happening to me?
OH SHIT!
My life is TOTALLY is a cycle of ups and downs! I had pancakes for breakfast yesterday and I was like, "I'M SO UP RIGHT NOW" and then there were no more pancakes today and I was like "I'M SO DOWN I DON'T BELIEVE IT."
And strange coincidences? THAT'S MY LIFE, CHILD! Sometimes when I'm in the store, walking around, buying items, I'll see a girl and stare at her for a REALLY LONG TIME and then allofasudden SHE'LL LOOK BACK AT ME. COINCIDENCE??? I HIGHLY DOUBT IT.
People tell me I have every reason to be happy, but I feel really low and empty. THE FUCK?? My therapist never ONCE told me that CURSES were my problem!!! All that time I wasted examining myself and my thoughts and challenging negative assumption and SO MUCH BULLSHIT BECAUSE CURSES DID IT!!!!
I used to be a very strong, confident person but now I don't even know myself. I can't speak to this.
OMG!!
HATERS BE HATIN'! ALL DAY LONG. Man, I used to feel bad about being so pimp. But now I know better. Because CURSES DID IT.
I feel negative energy all the time, all over the place. But especially near power grids.
Wait, what was the question again?
Do any of these statements reflect what's happening to you?
Ummm...
There we go. I'm cursed.