The Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) arrived in North America in 1985. Children who grew up during this time were immediately warped for life. Fresh air, exercise and interpersonal relationships were quickly set aside in favor of the exploits of a diminutive, seemingly unemployed plumber and the army of anthropomorphic mushroom-things intent on harassing him. This in itself wouldn't really be a problem (friends and sunlight being entirely overrated), but eventually those pale, twitchy children had to grow up and venture out into the real world, where the lessons they had learned in the Mushroom Kingdom, Hyrule and Castlevania didn't exactly apply…
On the Quantity and Quality of Barrels
Lie: If the video games of the 80s are to be believed the Earth is approximately70% water and 30% barrels. A steady stream of barrels is readily available to be flung at adversaries, or, better yet, karate-kicked into oblivion for the goods contained within, which are varied and valuable and apparently don’t belong to anyone who minds you taking them.
Reality: Chances are very good that if you don’t work on the docks or in a distillery you haven’t personally come into contact with a barrel outside of a Pier 1 or maybe a Cracker Barrel. Ever. Modern barrels mostly contain alcohol or oil, neither of which will improve your ability to karate fight. Do not punch barrels. Ever.
On the High Probability that Your Girlfriend Has Been Kidnapped and You Will Have to Kick People Until She is Free
Lie: With few exceptions, most of the important female video game characters of the era are prizes to be won by the male protagonist of the adventure. In other words, princesses and girlfriends existed almost entirely for the purpose of being kidnapped by apes, lizardmen, wizards and mafia bosses. They are highly valuable and entirely incapable of defending themselves. You may as well lock them in the cellar for safe keeping.
Reality: Call your girlfriend right now. Is she kidnapped? No? Okay then.
On the Healthful Properties of the Food You Just Picked Up Off the Ground and Ate
Lie: An excessive amount of double-jumping, dungeon scouring and turtle stomping would make anyone feel a little run down. Fortunately, in most video games there’s a steady supply of free food to be found and enjoyed as long as you employ the extended version of the 10 Second Rule, hitherto known as the “Oh Sweet! A Turkey Leg!” rule. In the make-believe landscape of video games comically over-sized fruits, menacingly enlarged hearts and turkey legs – delicious, delicious turkey legs – cover the ground like autumn leaves. And they’re good for you! Soooo good.
Reality: Cholera. Typhoid. Possibly scurvy.
Mike Tyson’s Punch Out
Lie: Jogging along the piers in Brooklyn in a pink sweat suit is the optimal way to train for a prize fight.
Truth: This is the optimal way to train for being mugged repeatedly.
Lie: Punching people in the stomach makes their pants fall off.
Truth: Punching someone in the stomach actually significantly decreases the odds that you will ever see them with their pants off.
Duck Hunt
Lie: All dogs are assholes.
Truth: You’re thinking of cats.
Blaster Master
Lie: If your pet frog jumps out the window, finds a radioactive chest, grows to enormous size and falls down a crater-sized hole into an underground world inhabited by radioactive mutants you should definitely follow him down there, because he is your frog and he would do the same for you.
Truth: HahahahahaNO.
Pro-Wrestling
Lie:
Truth: This is debatable.