Stories and Other Nonsense

Jul 31, 20145 min read

Powdered Sugar, Sweaty People, and Ghosts

New Orleans is definitely a thing. Like a thing you can do. Maybe even a thing you should do. I don't know. I'm only willing to go so far...

Jun 27, 20149 min read

My Days of Danny

He came into our lives as all good things do - in the midst of being evicted from the first floor apartment he shared with a woman I...

Apr 2, 20142 min read

Hell yeah, I wanna finance that toaster, Fingerhut!

Dear Fingerhut, I received your catalog recently. I need to get with you on this Sunbeam 2-slice toaster. Item #P4937. I'm not calling...

Feb 27, 20146 min read

The Kung Fu-Related Death of Laertes

My 8th grade English teacher holds out a pair of wooden swords. They have black handles and grey painted blades the approximate...

Jan 12, 20147 min read

2013: Such Year. Many Happenings. Wow.

Best Birthday Party | Black Plague Division: January 12, 2013, 32nd birthday Friend, urban farmer, and living inspiration Lawrence Taylor...

Nov 26, 20133 min read

Oh Mystery!

I'm writing about this because it troubled me. It troubled me then and now, hours later, it continues to trouble me. It more than...

Oct 29, 20139 min read

Wind Sprints of the Heart

Heather wore square, puffy sweaters in primary colors. They made her shoulders look broad and her neck skinny. She had braces and the...

Jun 28, 20135 min read

Vehicular Manslaughter for Beginners

I have never cared about cars. They do not interest me. They never have. An ex-girlfriend once asked me what car I would buy if money...

May 30, 20134 min read

For My Sister, Who is Projectile Vomiting in the Magic Kingdom

I've been to Disney World a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Enough times, at least, to be having a hard time coming up with an accurate count...

May 12, 20134 min read

Love and Vengeance: A Brief and Woefully Inadequate Apology to my Mother

My nephew Jack is holding up a piece of donkey poop triumphantly. “No thanks,” I say. “I’m good.” He tosses the donkey poop aside and...

Apr 29, 20134 min read

Curses

I've always considered my life to be the normal amount of shit. I've rarely looked at another human being and thought "Their life is so...

Mar 28, 20135 min read

Not OK, Cupid. Not OK.

All on-ramps and off-ramps ascend and descend to some level, but there is a ramp off Westheimer, leading up to the 610, heading north,...

Dec 26, 20126 min read

Vacationland

I didn’t even have a resume. What exactly would I have put on it? High school attendee…no criminal record… reasonably high score on...

Sep 30, 20127 min read

Secrets on the Shore

There are two young girls riding bikes in a circle on the patch of road just beyond my parent’s driveway. I don’t pay them much mind as...

Aug 15, 20123 min read

Lies My Nintendo Told Me

The Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) arrived in North America in 1985. Children who grew up during this time were immediately warped...

Jul 18, 20123 min read

Imaginary Lives

I’ve constructed fantasy children in my head three times in my life, with three different partners. Each time the focus of the exercise...

May 1, 20124 min read

Phantom Limbs

There’s a severed squirrel tail in the parking lot at work. I’ve seen it while walking on my break twice a day for a week now. I don’t...

Jan 1, 20124 min read

Yes, I Still Believe in Santa (He owes me a Nintendo Power Glove)

Last year I stood in the living room of my sister’s house on Christmas morning while my nephew showed me a plate of half-eaten cookies...